As I may have mentioned previously, I work in a hospital. As such,
we have to be prepared for every possible emergency, no matter how remote the
chances that it could occur within our walls. We have E.R.T. (Emergency
Response Team) for medical emergencies, RRT (Rapid Response Team) for wannabe
medical emergencies, code yellow for "Damn, we've got another patient who’s causing issues down here", and code red for fire. One of the oddest little
phrases we have in our emergency lexicon is "we have a visitor". Now,
I know your first reaction to this is "Why in tarnation does a hospital
announce the fact that they've got visitors? That's just plumb crazy, that
is!". (I may have forgotten to mention that I imagine you all to be from
the cast of the Beverly Hillbillies.) Well, you're darn-tootin' - it would be
stupid of us to be announcing every visitor that crossed our threshold, not to
mention incredibly redundant.
When I first came across this phrase during "Emergency Phrase Training", I was filled with curiosity. I was also sent abruptly back to my youth when my grandmother would tell me that she couldn't actually come swimming with me because her "friend was visiting." She always said this in the same exact whispery tone in which she'd utter the word cancer. "Ethel, the poor dear, she's got the cancer." At such a tender age, I didn't really understand "the cancer" but I knew it must be bad. By association, I assumed "having a friend visit" must also be bad. This made for quite a lonely and fun-free childhood. It wasn't until I was 13 and began that magical womanly rite known as "my f*#$* period" did I come to understand that the phrase "a friend is visiting" was my grandmother's genteel way of saying that she had her f&*#&$ period (and yes - that is the clinical term. I should know - I am a highly-trained medical professional).
Imagine my surprise during hospital new employee orientation to see this oh-so-familiar phrase spelled out on the back of my brand-spankin' new ID badge. Let me tell you, it was not just surprise - I was terrified. I knew I'd accepted a position in a Catholic institution but could it possibly be that they were so pro-choice that I was required by policy to report my monthly "visitor"? I could envision the line of unfortunate menstruators standing in front of the "Visitor Information Desk" I'd passed on my way in the front door that morning. Could it be possible that it was announced on a daily basis who among the staff was having their menses? "Attention, hospital employees. Please be aware that Susan has a visitor and should be avoided at all costs. Please consider her armed and dangerous for the next 4-7 days." With a jolt, I realized that I actually had my period at that very moment! Should I have reported this on my way in? Could they tell?! Damn the comfort and ease of the OB Super Plus! I'd been lulled into a false sense of security!! Oh no, why is everyone looking at me like that? Am I marked by the scarlet M of shame? Would I lose my job on my first day for my failure to report my menstruatory status?! How would I explain this at my next job interview?
Just as I was about to bolt in panic to the nearest exit, the gentleman running the "Emergency Phrase Training" explained that "we have a visitor" was the secret code phrase meant to indicate that a bomb threat had been made against the hospital. They used this phrase rather than "Attention hospital employees, patients, and visitors - please be aware that there is apparently a bomb in the building which may explode at any time killing us all in a fiery ball of, well, fire" because it was much shorter and apparently less likely to cause mass pandemonium.
When I first came across this phrase during "Emergency Phrase Training", I was filled with curiosity. I was also sent abruptly back to my youth when my grandmother would tell me that she couldn't actually come swimming with me because her "friend was visiting." She always said this in the same exact whispery tone in which she'd utter the word cancer. "Ethel, the poor dear, she's got the cancer." At such a tender age, I didn't really understand "the cancer" but I knew it must be bad. By association, I assumed "having a friend visit" must also be bad. This made for quite a lonely and fun-free childhood. It wasn't until I was 13 and began that magical womanly rite known as "my f*#$* period" did I come to understand that the phrase "a friend is visiting" was my grandmother's genteel way of saying that she had her f&*#&$ period (and yes - that is the clinical term. I should know - I am a highly-trained medical professional).
Imagine my surprise during hospital new employee orientation to see this oh-so-familiar phrase spelled out on the back of my brand-spankin' new ID badge. Let me tell you, it was not just surprise - I was terrified. I knew I'd accepted a position in a Catholic institution but could it possibly be that they were so pro-choice that I was required by policy to report my monthly "visitor"? I could envision the line of unfortunate menstruators standing in front of the "Visitor Information Desk" I'd passed on my way in the front door that morning. Could it be possible that it was announced on a daily basis who among the staff was having their menses? "Attention, hospital employees. Please be aware that Susan has a visitor and should be avoided at all costs. Please consider her armed and dangerous for the next 4-7 days." With a jolt, I realized that I actually had my period at that very moment! Should I have reported this on my way in? Could they tell?! Damn the comfort and ease of the OB Super Plus! I'd been lulled into a false sense of security!! Oh no, why is everyone looking at me like that? Am I marked by the scarlet M of shame? Would I lose my job on my first day for my failure to report my menstruatory status?! How would I explain this at my next job interview?
Just as I was about to bolt in panic to the nearest exit, the gentleman running the "Emergency Phrase Training" explained that "we have a visitor" was the secret code phrase meant to indicate that a bomb threat had been made against the hospital. They used this phrase rather than "Attention hospital employees, patients, and visitors - please be aware that there is apparently a bomb in the building which may explode at any time killing us all in a fiery ball of, well, fire" because it was much shorter and apparently less likely to cause mass pandemonium.
Ah well, to be on the safe side, I report my menstruatory status
to the security guard at the visitors desk every month anyway. I don't think he
likes me......
