It's been kind of a weird summer. Let's face it - history is not always enjoyable when you're forced to actually live through it - and these last almost 9 months have been doozies. Generally, summer is one of my favorite times of year - I don't mind heat and used to always associate summer with softball, camping, and fishing (Seriously, how could my parents not have known I was gay?!) One of the joys of the last few summers before this one was watching Mom be able to forget the sickness in her body while she floated around the pool. It was definitely one of her happiest places. No matter what her body had put her through - cancer, hip surgeries, you name it - her main concern and first question was when could she get back in the water. So, yeah, it's been weird not seeing Mom enjoying the pool and I've really missed having her on the boat.
Around about the time Ellie and I were turning 50, I passed Action Marine in Holyoke and noticed they had pontoon boats for sale. I literally knew nothing about owning or piloting (captaining? Sailing?) a pontoon boat, but when did that ever stop me? I promptly went home and had the following conversation with my lovely wife:
Me: Hey - have you ever thought about owning a boat?
Ellie: A boat? Like a boat on the water?
Me: Well that is where they're generally found.
Ellie: A double kayak could be fun, I guess.
Me: ...
(In our marriage, double kayak is code for "holy shit, we should never do this again because we have extremely different methods of managing a self-propelled boat)
Ellie: oh right, we don't say those words
Me: No, like a boat that we could all go in as a family.
Ellie: Oh, like a barge?
Me: yes, I thought a nice garbage barge would be a good fit for our family activities.
Ellie: like a dumpster? I'm sorry, not following.
Me: A pontoon boat that we could dock in a marina and use whenever we want with the kids, family, friends, dogs, etc.
Ellie: A harpoon boat - that seems extreme. How big are the fish, which I'll remind you, you don't even eat, in the CT river?
Me: P-O-N-T-O-O-N
Ellie: Oh! A balloon boat - I've never seen one.
And that, my friends, is how we figured out that Ellie had some hearing loss.
However, I digress - I quickly informed her that even though neither of us knew anything about boats, we had an appointment in an hour to go see a used pontoon boat. She responded "Oh, I thought that movie (Platoon) was pretty violent and gory. Is it back in theaters?" Pro tip: if your significant other has some mild hearing difficulties, it is NOT advisable to silently mouth words and make her think that she's lost all of her hearing. Follow me for more marriage advice.
In any case, we did the thing - bought our 1st boat and put it into a marina nearby. Absolutely no one was happier about this purchase than my mom. Quite often, we'd spend a day on the boat, soaking up lots of vitamin D and enjoying the wildlife. And by enjoying the wildlife, I mean Mom trying to take a photo of the egrets and herons- and always ending up with a blurry blob- likely from hitting the phone with increasing force to "make the phone work better."
Our last boat ride with Mom was not the best. Pretty far down the river and about 15 mins at a good speed away from the marina, our boat had a problem and I could only limp it in by easing it ever so slightly into gear and praying. Unfortunately, one of the cons of a pontoon boat is that other boats' wakes can make your boat rock back and forth - a lot- and especially when you're not moving at speed. That, and the lack of a breeze, conspired to create a pretty rough ride back in for mom. At one point, she had to hang over the side of the boat while yelling loudly "I'm fine" due to nausea. It was at that point that Ellie asked me if she should get out of the boat and pull us in because it seemed that might be faster.
We eventually made it in and took the boat almost all the way to the shore so that mom could get to the car and cool off. Despite that experience, she asked me later that day if we could go out the next day. It rained so we didn't but she made me promise that "Puke Fest" would not be her last ride. I wasn't able to keep that promise but you'll remember that she showed up on our cruise in April. She was nothing, if not determined. We have been agonizing about whether or not we should sell the boat over this summer. We sometimes feel guilty about not using it enough and the kids have mostly lost interest. However, when we went out yesterday, a dragonfly buzzed our boat several times. They were also present in abundance when we went to York Beach and also at Tanglewood. More on that in a moment.
Whether it was true or not that my mom was communicating with us on the cruise, it brought me great comfort - and some laughter. I wondered aloud if she was really letting me know she was proud of me or actually saying "Great, you've moved on already" with her somewhat characteristic snark. Either way, it challenged my extremely concrete beliefs and I find myself looking for signs from her everywhere. So, I took the dragonflies' presence as a sign that she was letting me know she was there- and maybe just a touch of a warning to not sell the boat or else - lest she need to sent a plague of locusts.
I like to think Mom is watching over me and mine, and I truly believe she is. I also know that it could potentially become a haunting rather than a benevolent visitation were I ever to do something she didn't want me to. And, that's ok - and exactly what my own kids have to look forward to from me. When we memorialized my mom in February, we deliberately talked about things like her legacy and the metaphysics of death rather than a religious angle. As she would say, and loudly, "I have my own relationship with God and it's nobody else's business." I do wish she'd said that with just a tad less anger when she spoke to the poor hospital chaplain, but Mom was in a hospital bed and away from her beloved pool and boat - and she was NOT having it! Despite her lack of formal religion, she was spiritual, and obviously, she had enough juice up there to find a medium on a cruise in the middle of the ocean and harangue her into communicating with me. So, no - we won't be selling the boat this year - and if there are any weird occurrences like locusts, killer bee invasions, or bird swarming, I'm going on record that it's one of y'all's faults because I know better!
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