Toast? At a Wedding?

Welcome to everyone and thank you all for coming to help celebrate the marriage of NLD Girl and Dungeon Master.   NLD Girl and I came into each other’s lives at the turn of the century.  She was a young only child and I was a devastatingly beautiful 35 year old woman as I’m sure you can tell from how well I’ve aged.  Little did NLD Girl know that she was about to be part of a blended family with three younger siblings.  However, as I watched her throw ice cream at the ceiling fan one day, I felt pretty sure that she’d adjust relatively well.  

It is an interesting thing to come into a mother- daughter relationship that had such an obviously strong bond.  Every night before NLD Girl went to bed, she would come to the top of the stairs and say to E “don’t forget” to which E would reply “I won’t.”  I assumed for years that it was a sweet shared ritual that had special meaning to the two of them.  It seemed magical and I missed it on the nights when NLD Girl was at her dad’s. At one point, I finally asked E what it was all about and what she was supposed to remember and I’ll never forget the four words E said – “I have no idea.”  

So, obviously, there was quite a high bar for me to hurdle in becoming part of the parenting army that surrounded NLD Girl.  We developed a patter between us, a solid bond built of trust and caring.  In fact, NLD Girl would often come to me with a minor ailment or injury and ask me to reassure as to what disease was most likely indicated.  She would show me a rash on her arm or a bump on her hand and I would calmly tell her that it was most likely leprosy - she would run right up to bed with tears of what I’m sure to this day were joy.  I’m sure those are fond memories for her as they are for me.

NLD Girl met Dungeon Master several years ago and we thought he was going to be yet another one of the bearded sci-fi types she seemed so fond of.  Boy, were we wrong, he also wore glasses.  We noticed right away that this was something special and different.  So, in preparation for today, it was really important to me that I find the right thing to say or do.  I’d considered doing an interpretive river dance – but come on, that would have really upstaged the bride and groom.  I tried to come up with a song to express my thoughts or a poem my innermost feelings – but to no avail.  Instead, I turned to my father’s favorite poet, Ogden Nash.  For those of you not familiar with his work, he is responsible for some of the romantic literary gems of our lifetimes.  For example, one of his odes to love goes like this:  Fleas – Adam had’m.  Or better yet, the Termite. Some primal termite knocked on wood, and tasted it and found it good.  And that is why your cousin May fell through the parlor floor today.  

Those did not really seem to do the trick but I finally found one that would work:

To keep your marriage brimming, 

With love in the loving cup

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Seriously though, I did find a quote elsewhere that speaks perfectly to today.  The universe only pretends to be made of matter.  Secretly, it is made of love.  Today, this is your universe and it is made entirely of love. We as a group, as a huge new family, have come together today to show our love for, and celebrate the love of NLD Girl  and Dungeon Master.  This room is full of love for the two of you who are not only husband and wife, but also best friends.  Elie Wiesel said that friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.  How wonderful that the two of you have both.  Hopefully as you walk your path together, you'll remember a balance of the trivia and vital that makes up a good marriage, and forget the occasional misstep, because in the end, it's all trivial as long as you have each other.  On behalf of my family, I just want to welcome Dungeon Master to the family, we are so very happy for both of you.  

,

And Then There Were Three

NLD Girl - this one's for you...

Anyone who's seen E or me over the last two weeks knows that we're competing in Survivor- Wedding Edition.  It's a relatively small field and we've created a few alliances, so I think we're real contenders to stay on the island...

Yes, it's true - our oldest, NLD Girl will tie the proverbial knot this weekend.  Many of you know the anxiety a parent feels when faced with the prospect of a daughter's fiancé.  Will he be a toad or a prince?  Will he be a strong partner who treats our daughter with love and respect?  Will he worship me as the true Amazon goddess that I am?  Just like with babies, we don't care what gender they bring home, we just want the relationship to be healthy.  In this regard, we've struck gold - or, to put it in language our future son-in-law will understand, it's as if we were halflings traveling through the forgotten realm of Faerun and have stumbled upon a dragon's hoard.  Yes, this is the part of the story where the boy who has no name is hereby christened DungeonMaster (insert your own trumpet fanfare here).

So, back to the wedding - it's hard to believe that E and I have reached that time in our lives.  It seems especially hard for E to believe it - or at least remember it - to wit:

Me:  Have you decided what you're wearing to the wedding?

E:  What wedding?

Me:  The Red Wedding - no, the wedding of our oldest, remember?  It's this Sunday?

E:  Ooohhh, can you believe she's finally getting married?  Do you remember that time with the thing when she did that thing at the thing?

Me:  Do you mean the time you asked her to mash a banana with a fork for banana bread and she tried to do it without peeling it?

E:  Of course, I just said that - why are you repeating what I say?

Me:  Yes, I remember that.  I also remember having to send her to bed dressed for the next day of school because she was virtually impossible to get out of bed.  We were worried about her getting through high school and here she is, a college-educated woman with a real job.

E:  Right, remember that pink shirt, I loved that pink shirt and the other thing...

Me:  Are you having a mini-stroke?

E:  No just lost in memories.

Me:  Ok, sooooo, back to the wedding.  What are you wearing?

E:  What wedding?

And on and on and on...

It's true, there were times during NLD's childhood when we thought "well, she will probably live with us forever, but we're ok with that.  As long as she's happy and she will be as long as we can figure out a way for the microwave to automatically dispense chicken nuggets at regular intervals, she'll be all set."  However, she challenged all of our pre-conceived notions, and most of our sanity, and turned into a well-adjusted human being, despite our feeble attempts at parenting.  NLD Girl went from having a boyfriend in the second grade (we suspect he was not aware of this status) to finding her life partner in her early twenties.  That's a better track record than either of us can lay claim to.

As I imagine always occurs at this point for the parents of the bride or groom-to-be, there is always some thought as to what the future son/daughter-in-law brings to the family.  In the case of NLD Girl, we know what DungeonMaster's family is getting: a smart, funny, and generous young woman with a lingering fixation on Draco Malfoy who should be kept away from cooking and baking implements at all times.  On our end of things, we are getting an intelligent, witty, and friendly young man with an encyclopedic knowledge of all things Game of Thrones.  I suspect DungeonMaster may know the character and plot points better than George R. R. Martin, himself.  I have read the books so I have a working knowledge of the series in a way that poor E does not.

DM:  Did you watch the episode this week?

E: Yes, it was great - I loved the dragon lady.

DM:  Daenerys?  Yes, she's a Targaryen, the last known living one - she was related to the Maester at Castle Black.

E:  Right - Jon Snow - he was a great Maester.  It's was nice of the Leominsters to raise him for that.

DM:  I think you mean the Starks, and he wasn't the Maester at Castle Black.  He was the Lord Commander.

E:  Right - didn't he have that dog?

DM:  Direwolf - Ghost.

E:  Where?  You saw a ghost?

DM:  No, that's the name of the Direwolf, Ghost.

E:  Ah, why doesn't the dragon lady give the old knight a break?  He has a bad rash on his hand and he's just helping because he used to sleep with the former queen and they had the little person, Cheerios as their son and the girl.

DM:  There are so many things wrong with that sentence...  Which girl?

E:  A girl has no name.

DM:  Arya?

E:  I don't know, she has no name.

DM:  She does, it's Arya.

E:  Well why does she say she has no name?  That's very confusing.

This conversation goes on until DungeonMaster's brain heats up to a dangerous level and one of us typically has to intervene.

But back to the matter at hand, the joining of House Erwin and House Rembrandt.  Our sigils may be different but we are united in one common and important sentiment.  Both houses are unbelievably excited and happy to be coming together and helping our respective charges make this important step.    I believe I can speak for E when I say that we are very proud of you both and can't wait to watch you walk your journey together.  Hopefully, you'll remember a balance of the trivia and vital that makes up a good marriage, and forget the occasional misstep, because in the end, it's all trivial as long as you have each other.

E:  Shit, why didn't you remind me I needed an outfit for the wedding?  It's this weekend!!!

Me:  Sigh.

The Not-So-Empty Nest

All of us with kids eventually bump into that milestone of middle-aged parenthood, the Empty Nest.  This is a time in a parent's life when his/her kids go off to college, get married, get a job, etc, and ostensibly, decide to be independent.  Note my use of the word "ostensibly" - defined as apparently or purportedly, BUT (and there's always a but) perhaps not actually.  Ostensibly as a word is perfectly fine, and its use might even lead the reader to be impressed with the writer's vocabulary.  However, at the same time, it can be a very tricky and misleading word as I will demonstrate.  Ostensibly, Donald Trump's success in the primaries reflect the will of the people - see, if you were unaware of the very important but in the definition, you'd already be in Canada as you read this.

However, I digress.  Some background - my lovely wife, E, and I live in the childhood home in which I was raised.  My mother and sister live on the ground floor and CAPD Boy and ADHD Girl cohabit with us on the upper floors.  ADHD Girl has a long-term boyfriend who also lives with us whom I shall call,  NinjaChef.  E and I also own a home a town over in which BP Boy and NLD Girl live.  NLD Girl has a fiancé named Jason, or as I call him, Jason.  As you see, we have two nests, not one, and none of them empty.

It's important that at this point, I stop and insert a disclaimer having nothing to do with the fact that, with the exception of NLD Girl, our kids are freakishly tall and would have no difficulty suffocating us with our pillows were I to offend them with my musings.  So, let me state categorically that while on the face of it, this is ostensibly a blog post in which I lament the non-emptiness of our nests, it is perhaps not actually what it seems.

For your entertainment and edification, allow me to give you a peek into the typical day in the Wonderdyke household:

545 am - E arises and takes the dogs out for their morning constitutional.  At this point in the morning, she is typically bleary-eyed and may or may not notice anything in her surroundings as she passes through the living room and kitchen.

6 am - I am awakened with a scream.  This could in fact be one of two things - there is a family of foxes living across the street who seem to greatly enjoy screaming at all hours of the night and early morning - at what, I'm not sure.  If you haven't heard a fox scream, it's nothing even remotely like the song.  However, given that the scream seemed to come from our kitchen, it's safe to say that E has seen something that surprised her.

601 am - I trundle out to the kitchen to find NinjaChef in the process of whipping together eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles, crepes, doughnuts, bagels, croissants, blintzes, omelets, muffins, breakfast sliders, hash, quiche, fruit salad, cinnamon rolls, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  I'm slightly exaggerating, but his culinary skill is pretty amazing so it would not at all be surprising.  What has startled poor bleary-eyed E is that NinjaChef was not there when she passed by and seemingly appeared out of nowhere to begin the morning feast.  He has a habit of doing it, so much so that I suspect he may have possession of a Cloak of Invisibility (that sounds awesome if you say it in a deep voice and make it echo - Cloak -oak- oak -oa - o...  Go ahead, try it - I'll wait).  At times, I can actually be standing at the stove and all of a sudden, all 6 ft of NinjaChef is shirring eggs right beside me.  Awesome power, let's hope he uses it for good.

602 am - As I head back to the bedroom, I register the fact that ADHD Girl is on the couch, simultaneously tweeting on her phone, texting on her iPad, and writing a paper on her MacBook while skypeing with a friend and watching TV.   I also notice that she seems to have turned the living room into a classroom with posters about some zoo book along the walls, and the floors and some stuffed animals slowly turning through the air as she's attached them to the ceiling fan.  When I hail her with a hearty "Hey, what the hell is going on here?"  I get back the old fake finger gun and wink with a "Don't worry old lady, it's all under control."  I bristle at her calling E an old lady but decide not to confront her on it.

630 am - It's now time to get CAPD Boy up and out of bed for school  I should say that CAPD Boy is a senior in high school and has already been accepted to college - so high school, in his mind, has pretty much ceased to exist.

Me:  Time to get up for school.

CAPD Boy:  I don't want to go in the pool.

Me: I said school.

CAPD Boy:  Who are you calling a fool?

CAPD stands for central auditory processing disorder - which is a long way of saying that, sometimes, what his ears hear and his brain understands may differ substantially.

Me;  School - high school, remember?

CAPD Boy:  What is this school you speak of?

Me:  High school - remember, the one you need to graduate from in order to go to COLLEGE?

CAPD Boy:  Oh - I'm awake.

Me:  Ok, don't go back to sleep.

CAPD Boy:  I wonnnnnn zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Me:  Time to get up for school.

CAPD Boy: I don't want to go in the pool.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest.

640 am - My first call from BP Boy

Me:   Hey, what's up?

BP Boy:  I haven't been to sleep - I'm too worried.

Me:  About what?

BP Boy:  It's very serious - I don't think my dog is a morning dog.

Me;  Did you say morning dog?

BP Boy - Yes, I'm really worried about it.  I've watched her sleep all night and she hasn't gotten up yet.

Me:  It's 640 - your damn brother hasn't even gotten up yet.  What difference does it make if your dog likes getting up in the morning or not?

BP Boy - Well, I read on the internet that many dogs like getting up in the morning and she doesn't seem to so....

Me:.......

BP Boy:  Also, I have a question - how many miles is 15000 steps?

Me;  I have no idea - why?

BP Boy:  Amma has challenged me on fitbit and I want to beat her.

Me:  Ok - well I'm sure it says on your fitbit how far you walked.

BP Boy:  I don't have a fitbit.

Me:  Ok, well how will you challenge her then?

BP Boy:  I have a question.

Me:  Yes...

BP Boy:  Do you think it's a problem if my dog isn't a morning dog?

Me: No, not at all.

BP Boy:  I really wish you had just said that at the beginning of the call.  Got to go, the dog's awake.

645 am - I have managed to get myself ready to go to the gym and then work and exit the bedroom.  NinjaChef and ADHD Girl have passed out on the couch as the dogs finish the food on their plates.  CAPD Boy comes flying out of his room with a "Why didn't you wake me for school?" to which I reply - "I don't want to go in the pool."  This was extremely funny to me.  Meanwhile, E is trying to figure out what to take to work for lunch - standing in front of the fridge with a blank stare as if waiting for something to speak to her.

Me:  E, why don't you take the leftover salmon?

E:  Right, the salmon.  Where is that again?

Me:  In the fridge - right hand drawer.

E: (turning away from the fridge without the salmon) OK - hey, did BP Boy call you about the morning dog thing?

Me:  He did - I handled it.

E: The salmon is not in the fridge.

NinjaChef:  No, it's here - I've whipped up some grilled asparagus and twice-baked potato for you to take to work.  It's all in this edible lunchbox I fashioned out of al dente lasagna noodles.

E:  (turns to me)  How the hell does he do that?

650 am - 2nd call of the day from BP Boy

Me:  Hi, what's up?

BP Boy - I have a question.

Me:  Ok, shoot.

BP Boy:  Wait, are you saying shoot because you're mad you answered the phone and have to talk to me?

Me:  No, shoot as in go ahead and ask your question.

BP Boy: ok, just saying because you weren't very happy when I called about how to use the rice cooker.

Me:  Well, it was 3:30 in the morning and I thought it was an emergency.

BP Boy:  It was - the dog wanted some rice.

Me:  How did you know that the dog wanted rice at 330 in the morning?

BP Boy;  We're very much in tune - I could just tell.

Me:  Wait, didn't you say that you were worried that the dog isn't a morning dog?

BP Boy: Yes, why?

Me:  Well, technically, 330 am is in the morning and she was up - and no wonder she doesn't want to get up this morning if you had her up and eating rice in the middle of the night.

BP Boy:  She didn't like the rice.

Me:  Oh.

BP Boy:  I have a question - do you think it's a bad thing if the dog doesn't like rice?

Me:  I have to go.

650 am - I have extricated myself from the kitchen and am heading down the stairs to leave.  CAPD Boy goes rushing by - "Excuse me, have to get to school!"  I get to the car and realize that I've forgotten my own lunch.  As I open the car door to place my gym bag and briefcase inside, I find NinjaChef sitting in the front passenger seat.

NinjaChef:  I think you forgot your lunch.

Me:  Thanks, what is this?

NinjaChef:  I added a few things to the chicken you were planning to bring.  I baked some fresh bread as you started down the stairs and I made your chicken into chicken salad with scallions and dill I hand-chopped and mayonnaise I made from the eggs I harvested from the chicken coop.

Me:  Wait, what?  We don't have chickens.

NinjaChef: Never mind that.  I put it all in an edible lunch bag I made for you out of woven carrots and zucchini strips with marinated and spiced apples as the handles.

Me: Um, thanks.

655 am - 3rd call of the day from BP Boy

Me:  Hi, what's up?

BP Boy:  Nothing, why?

Me:  You called me.

BP Boy:  I did?  Oh, I have a question.

Me:  I thought you might.

BP Boy:  I'm really worried about the dog.

Me:  Really?

BP Boy:  Do you think other dogs like her?

Me:  I'm sure they do, why do you ask?

BP Boy:  Well, I don't think you're right because she doesn't seem to have any friends.

Me:  Well, dogs don't have friends the same way that people do.

BP Boy:  Do you think it's because of the tongue thing?

Me:  What tongue thing?

BP Boy:  Well, I've noticed that when she runs around a lot, she sticks her tongue out a lot.

Me:  That's panting - dogs do it because they don't sweat.

BP Boy:  Oh, ok.  I thought maybe it was some kind of reaction.

Me:  To what?

BP Boy:  Well, she ate a lot of rice this morning.

Me:  i thought you said she didn't like the rice.

BP Boy:  I never said that.

Me:  Ok, have to go to work.  Bye.

7 am - E comes out to the car.  "Do you know if we have any rice?  BP Boy needs some."

NinjaChef:  (appearing out of nowhere)  We have basmati, jasmine, brown, white, wild, short, medium, and long grain rice. I've prepared samples of each and packed them in this edible box made out of plantains, avocados, and cherries.

705 am - I finally get into my car and as I get ready to back out, my mother knocks on the car window.

Me:  Hi, what's up?

Amma:  Hey, do you have any rice?

Me:  Nope, fresh out.

Amma:  Where are you going so early on a Saturday?

Me:  To gym and then to..wait, Saturday?

Amma:  Yup - we're headed to the store.  Need anything?

Me:  Sure, want to pick up some rice?

710 am - I make my way back to bed - phone rings.

Me:  Hey, what's up?

BP Boy:  I have a question.

Me:  Is it about the dog, rice, or panting?

BP Boy:  No, I just wanted to know why you're up so early on a Saturday.

Me:  Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhh!!

715 am - Ostensibly, I'm back in bed for a little nap with no further interruptions, but perhaps not actually...