The Not-So-Empty Nest

All of us with kids eventually bump into that milestone of middle-aged parenthood, the Empty Nest.  This is a time in a parent's life when his/her kids go off to college, get married, get a job, etc, and ostensibly, decide to be independent.  Note my use of the word "ostensibly" - defined as apparently or purportedly, BUT (and there's always a but) perhaps not actually.  Ostensibly as a word is perfectly fine, and its use might even lead the reader to be impressed with the writer's vocabulary.  However, at the same time, it can be a very tricky and misleading word as I will demonstrate.  Ostensibly, Donald Trump's success in the primaries reflect the will of the people - see, if you were unaware of the very important but in the definition, you'd already be in Canada as you read this.

However, I digress.  Some background - my lovely wife, E, and I live in the childhood home in which I was raised.  My mother and sister live on the ground floor and CAPD Boy and ADHD Girl cohabit with us on the upper floors.  ADHD Girl has a long-term boyfriend who also lives with us whom I shall call,  NinjaChef.  E and I also own a home a town over in which BP Boy and NLD Girl live.  NLD Girl has a fiancé named Jason, or as I call him, Jason.  As you see, we have two nests, not one, and none of them empty.

It's important that at this point, I stop and insert a disclaimer having nothing to do with the fact that, with the exception of NLD Girl, our kids are freakishly tall and would have no difficulty suffocating us with our pillows were I to offend them with my musings.  So, let me state categorically that while on the face of it, this is ostensibly a blog post in which I lament the non-emptiness of our nests, it is perhaps not actually what it seems.

For your entertainment and edification, allow me to give you a peek into the typical day in the Wonderdyke household:

545 am - E arises and takes the dogs out for their morning constitutional.  At this point in the morning, she is typically bleary-eyed and may or may not notice anything in her surroundings as she passes through the living room and kitchen.

6 am - I am awakened with a scream.  This could in fact be one of two things - there is a family of foxes living across the street who seem to greatly enjoy screaming at all hours of the night and early morning - at what, I'm not sure.  If you haven't heard a fox scream, it's nothing even remotely like the song.  However, given that the scream seemed to come from our kitchen, it's safe to say that E has seen something that surprised her.

601 am - I trundle out to the kitchen to find NinjaChef in the process of whipping together eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles, crepes, doughnuts, bagels, croissants, blintzes, omelets, muffins, breakfast sliders, hash, quiche, fruit salad, cinnamon rolls, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  I'm slightly exaggerating, but his culinary skill is pretty amazing so it would not at all be surprising.  What has startled poor bleary-eyed E is that NinjaChef was not there when she passed by and seemingly appeared out of nowhere to begin the morning feast.  He has a habit of doing it, so much so that I suspect he may have possession of a Cloak of Invisibility (that sounds awesome if you say it in a deep voice and make it echo - Cloak -oak- oak -oa - o...  Go ahead, try it - I'll wait).  At times, I can actually be standing at the stove and all of a sudden, all 6 ft of NinjaChef is shirring eggs right beside me.  Awesome power, let's hope he uses it for good.

602 am - As I head back to the bedroom, I register the fact that ADHD Girl is on the couch, simultaneously tweeting on her phone, texting on her iPad, and writing a paper on her MacBook while skypeing with a friend and watching TV.   I also notice that she seems to have turned the living room into a classroom with posters about some zoo book along the walls, and the floors and some stuffed animals slowly turning through the air as she's attached them to the ceiling fan.  When I hail her with a hearty "Hey, what the hell is going on here?"  I get back the old fake finger gun and wink with a "Don't worry old lady, it's all under control."  I bristle at her calling E an old lady but decide not to confront her on it.

630 am - It's now time to get CAPD Boy up and out of bed for school  I should say that CAPD Boy is a senior in high school and has already been accepted to college - so high school, in his mind, has pretty much ceased to exist.

Me:  Time to get up for school.

CAPD Boy:  I don't want to go in the pool.

Me: I said school.

CAPD Boy:  Who are you calling a fool?

CAPD stands for central auditory processing disorder - which is a long way of saying that, sometimes, what his ears hear and his brain understands may differ substantially.

Me;  School - high school, remember?

CAPD Boy:  What is this school you speak of?

Me:  High school - remember, the one you need to graduate from in order to go to COLLEGE?

CAPD Boy:  Oh - I'm awake.

Me:  Ok, don't go back to sleep.

CAPD Boy:  I wonnnnnn zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Me:  Time to get up for school.

CAPD Boy: I don't want to go in the pool.

I'm sure you can imagine the rest.

640 am - My first call from BP Boy

Me:   Hey, what's up?

BP Boy:  I haven't been to sleep - I'm too worried.

Me:  About what?

BP Boy:  It's very serious - I don't think my dog is a morning dog.

Me;  Did you say morning dog?

BP Boy - Yes, I'm really worried about it.  I've watched her sleep all night and she hasn't gotten up yet.

Me:  It's 640 - your damn brother hasn't even gotten up yet.  What difference does it make if your dog likes getting up in the morning or not?

BP Boy - Well, I read on the internet that many dogs like getting up in the morning and she doesn't seem to so....

Me:.......

BP Boy:  Also, I have a question - how many miles is 15000 steps?

Me;  I have no idea - why?

BP Boy:  Amma has challenged me on fitbit and I want to beat her.

Me:  Ok - well I'm sure it says on your fitbit how far you walked.

BP Boy:  I don't have a fitbit.

Me:  Ok, well how will you challenge her then?

BP Boy:  I have a question.

Me:  Yes...

BP Boy:  Do you think it's a problem if my dog isn't a morning dog?

Me: No, not at all.

BP Boy:  I really wish you had just said that at the beginning of the call.  Got to go, the dog's awake.

645 am - I have managed to get myself ready to go to the gym and then work and exit the bedroom.  NinjaChef and ADHD Girl have passed out on the couch as the dogs finish the food on their plates.  CAPD Boy comes flying out of his room with a "Why didn't you wake me for school?" to which I reply - "I don't want to go in the pool."  This was extremely funny to me.  Meanwhile, E is trying to figure out what to take to work for lunch - standing in front of the fridge with a blank stare as if waiting for something to speak to her.

Me:  E, why don't you take the leftover salmon?

E:  Right, the salmon.  Where is that again?

Me:  In the fridge - right hand drawer.

E: (turning away from the fridge without the salmon) OK - hey, did BP Boy call you about the morning dog thing?

Me:  He did - I handled it.

E: The salmon is not in the fridge.

NinjaChef:  No, it's here - I've whipped up some grilled asparagus and twice-baked potato for you to take to work.  It's all in this edible lunchbox I fashioned out of al dente lasagna noodles.

E:  (turns to me)  How the hell does he do that?

650 am - 2nd call of the day from BP Boy

Me:  Hi, what's up?

BP Boy - I have a question.

Me:  Ok, shoot.

BP Boy:  Wait, are you saying shoot because you're mad you answered the phone and have to talk to me?

Me:  No, shoot as in go ahead and ask your question.

BP Boy: ok, just saying because you weren't very happy when I called about how to use the rice cooker.

Me:  Well, it was 3:30 in the morning and I thought it was an emergency.

BP Boy:  It was - the dog wanted some rice.

Me:  How did you know that the dog wanted rice at 330 in the morning?

BP Boy;  We're very much in tune - I could just tell.

Me:  Wait, didn't you say that you were worried that the dog isn't a morning dog?

BP Boy: Yes, why?

Me:  Well, technically, 330 am is in the morning and she was up - and no wonder she doesn't want to get up this morning if you had her up and eating rice in the middle of the night.

BP Boy:  She didn't like the rice.

Me:  Oh.

BP Boy:  I have a question - do you think it's a bad thing if the dog doesn't like rice?

Me:  I have to go.

650 am - I have extricated myself from the kitchen and am heading down the stairs to leave.  CAPD Boy goes rushing by - "Excuse me, have to get to school!"  I get to the car and realize that I've forgotten my own lunch.  As I open the car door to place my gym bag and briefcase inside, I find NinjaChef sitting in the front passenger seat.

NinjaChef:  I think you forgot your lunch.

Me:  Thanks, what is this?

NinjaChef:  I added a few things to the chicken you were planning to bring.  I baked some fresh bread as you started down the stairs and I made your chicken into chicken salad with scallions and dill I hand-chopped and mayonnaise I made from the eggs I harvested from the chicken coop.

Me:  Wait, what?  We don't have chickens.

NinjaChef: Never mind that.  I put it all in an edible lunch bag I made for you out of woven carrots and zucchini strips with marinated and spiced apples as the handles.

Me: Um, thanks.

655 am - 3rd call of the day from BP Boy

Me:  Hi, what's up?

BP Boy:  Nothing, why?

Me:  You called me.

BP Boy:  I did?  Oh, I have a question.

Me:  I thought you might.

BP Boy:  I'm really worried about the dog.

Me:  Really?

BP Boy:  Do you think other dogs like her?

Me:  I'm sure they do, why do you ask?

BP Boy:  Well, I don't think you're right because she doesn't seem to have any friends.

Me:  Well, dogs don't have friends the same way that people do.

BP Boy:  Do you think it's because of the tongue thing?

Me:  What tongue thing?

BP Boy:  Well, I've noticed that when she runs around a lot, she sticks her tongue out a lot.

Me:  That's panting - dogs do it because they don't sweat.

BP Boy:  Oh, ok.  I thought maybe it was some kind of reaction.

Me:  To what?

BP Boy:  Well, she ate a lot of rice this morning.

Me:  i thought you said she didn't like the rice.

BP Boy:  I never said that.

Me:  Ok, have to go to work.  Bye.

7 am - E comes out to the car.  "Do you know if we have any rice?  BP Boy needs some."

NinjaChef:  (appearing out of nowhere)  We have basmati, jasmine, brown, white, wild, short, medium, and long grain rice. I've prepared samples of each and packed them in this edible box made out of plantains, avocados, and cherries.

705 am - I finally get into my car and as I get ready to back out, my mother knocks on the car window.

Me:  Hi, what's up?

Amma:  Hey, do you have any rice?

Me:  Nope, fresh out.

Amma:  Where are you going so early on a Saturday?

Me:  To gym and then to..wait, Saturday?

Amma:  Yup - we're headed to the store.  Need anything?

Me:  Sure, want to pick up some rice?

710 am - I make my way back to bed - phone rings.

Me:  Hey, what's up?

BP Boy:  I have a question.

Me:  Is it about the dog, rice, or panting?

BP Boy:  No, I just wanted to know why you're up so early on a Saturday.

Me:  Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhh!!

715 am - Ostensibly, I'm back in bed for a little nap with no further interruptions, but perhaps not actually...