Dec 15- It appears that I have been adopted by a rather masculine woman and her partner. It has not started off on the best foot as I'm currently tied to the roof of their Subaru. I am holding on tight but the she-man has decided to take a shortcut. I don't even think we are on a road.
Dec 16 - After a freezing night in a bucket on the porch, I have finally been brought into my new home. There are several furry creatures who are very fixated on me and sniff under my branches, which I find rather rude. She-man and the Other have put me in something called a "f*cking piece of crap tree stand" which seemed to involve a lot of loud talking.
Dec 17- Apparently my beautiful mantle of green needles is not enough as She-man and the Other have wrapped me in lights. There has been a LOT of discussion about the proper application of said lights. I think we all lost in that argument.
Dec 18 - One of the furry creatures has knocked me sideways while the people were gone. She-man was none too pleased when s/he arrived home. Tonight is apparently special as there is music playing and the people are hanging things on my branches. I heard the Other say that some of the things were made by "children" which I can only assume means people with no artistic talent whatsoever .
Dec 19- I'm beginning to get concerned about my new home. I have been here five days, most of it without sustenance. I have begun to drop razor-sharp needles in the hopes of exacting revenge should the people ever remove their Birkenstocks.
Dec 20- My people have finally given me water. I am unsure how long it will last because the furry ones keep drinking from the "piece of crap tree stand." I am plotting my escape.
Dec 21- My prison break was unsuccessful. Alas, it appears I have no feet nor opposable thumbs. I am working on shooting my needles into their eyes.
Dec 22- A strange development overnight- the people have adopted a much smaller version of me and it has been placed on something called a table. I am working on a new plan to overwhelm our people now that I am no longer outnumbered.
Dec 23- I'm fairly certain that the small tree is a double agent. The people have become much more attentive suddenly and have placed millions of wrapped boxes at my feet. I fear my trust has been betrayed.
Dec 24 - Apparently, this is a special night. The people have been preparing all day for something called "Christmas Eve". She-man appears to have absolutely no idea how to wrap a box. I am fairly certain that the furry creatures could have done a better job. There are many more people here tonight, including one who might be a giant - he's almost as tall as me. I have received no sustenance in 5 days so I'm trying to lure the tall one close enough to stab him with my star and draw a little attention to myself.
Dec 25 - I am now convinced that the humans are taunting me. First they pile colorful boxes at my trunk and then they rip them open within 10 minutes. They are dangling freedom in front of me. I believe I have convinced the furry creatures to help me stage a coup. It should not be hard. She-man and the others seem to have eaten themselves into a stupor. There is so much snoring, I'm certain my escape through the glass door won't be noticed.
Dec 26 - It turns out the furry creatures are real assholes. They led me to believe they'd help me yet they didn't even know how to open the door. They are now my sworn enemies.
Dec 27 - Revenge is mine. She-man stepped on one of my needles today and I think s/he's crippled. I imbued the needle with my most negative intentions so I'm hopeful s/he only has hours to live.
Dec 28- She-man seems fine. I think my powers must be weakened from lack of sustenance. The Other seems to have taken pity on me and is removing the lights and glittery things from my branches. She seems upset as She-man "could help take the tree apart, too - this is not how I saw my life going" has been said several times over the last half hour. I think I will be freed soon.
Dec 29- Freedom is so close, I can taste it. I have been removed from the Piece of Shit Tree Stand and am now able to gaze into the back yard. I hadn't realized that we are not at ground level until now. I am sure that won't be a problem.
Dec 30- I am broken, and not only in spirit. Last night, under the cloak of darkness, She-man THREW me off the porch. I have lost most of my needles and was subsequently dragged to the curb. There are new furry creatures out here - I think I've forged some alliances. She-man will die.
Dec 31- I have devised a plan to move back to the forest. Squirrel #1 seems pretty certain he and 1000 of his friends can carry me across the street. I am awaiting their return. In the meantime, there is a large orange thing on wheels with the letters R-E-C-Y-C-L-I-N-G on the side approaching me. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.
Merry Christmas to All!! Xoxo 🎄🎄🎄
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